Monday, November 12, 2012
I ran in march/april when i was at my moms.
I ran to try and do that whole being normal thing... this is what I was doing.. I should do it again.
I ran again in August because I was starting to feel again, because I left the person I was hiding behind, the person I gave a fake smile to and told I was ok.
recently I said I ran for the endorphins, because of the way they make me feel, because the exhaustion was so nice, I was too tired to think about anything.
Now? now there is no amount of running, no amount of endorphins that can make me forget that I was raped earlier this year.
one year ago yesterday was the day that I met him. He was friends with her friend and seemed like a nice enough guy. I had my eyes on someone else that night, he and I totally made out. =P kinda funny looking back on it.
who would have thought. 3 months later my life would be in shambles and i would be in Eureka, NV working. praying for snow.
the endorphins make it harder to cry. like right now, I want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry my eyes out until in dehydrated and maybe I pass out and maybe i dont wake up again because I dont want to feel any more.
because every time i open up to someone they shut me out, because all the people im "dating" have no idea that I am a shell of a person, that the smiling face is just a facade, just a way of pretending that everything is fine and pretending that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.
right now, I feel like i could die and i would be ok with it.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
leaving today, back to reality.
but I think I've had enough over the past couple days then I'll need for a while.
im not sure if I really liked this guy, or if I was just that comfortable around him that it made me think there was something there.
im almost positive that I won't be coming back to austin with that version of reality clouding my vision.
either way, im feeling pretty heart broken right now.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
i need it, im getting self conscience, am I still sexy? am I still good in bed? will it hurt like it did before? will I make too much noise? will i say the wrong name? is he going to think that im a dead fish in bed? do I smell/taste ok? am i doing this right?
and in three minutes it'll be over... was it worth the wait?
hopefully round 2 wont be too far away.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I remember when i made good decisions and when I had money to spend and i had friends to call on.
I remember when I had friends I could lean on, i could cry on
I remember feeling happy, feeling excited about what the future had in store for me and for you.
Then i stopped remembering, i stopped caring, the friends vanished, money was spent, and my future was torn appart.
I now I am alone, crying, sad...
then I remember... that the sun will rise, I will stand up, dust myself off and continue on.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
that opening up to people is incredably hard,
that i dont want to, but I cant be this strong and independent person that I thought i could always be
i fee so much better being close to someone; feeling their warmth, their breath, their heart;
that makes me feel alive... feeling that someone else is.
I have so much homework to get done today and I cant stop thinking about this place, how I am STILL (yeah still) so fucked up. I just want to feel better, I'm over thinking about it, but its so easy to pine after those things that i had and wanted. ugh.
I want to go hide under a rock until its all over, until ive cried my last tear, until i am ready to open up and have someone to open up to and have them still love me and find me sexy and think im a catch and never want to leave me.
the hard part is i feel like someone is going to have to work so hard to get me to open up, make me feel comfortable; ive gotten pretty freaking good at deflecting, or spilling it all out there and going "yeah, im fucked up, im broken, here are all my pieces, help me fit back together or leave me alone"
I feel like more often than not they would run away screaming.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
rough times still lay ahead for me.
i really just want to find that person that's makes me want to stop looking again.
I'm not over the feelings that I had for Paul. i hadn't felt that way in so long; who knows if that relationship would have lasted.... but it would have been nice to find out.
Shaun seems to think that I don't know who I am, and while I almost agree, it's more that I don't want to open myself up again, let my guard down, so i have these relationships that last for a couple months and they are fun but the second work needs to be put in I bounce.
i can't be close to someone yet.
Monday, July 23, 2012
I went to belize and re-evaluated... aka... drank and smoked a bunch
I came back and decided it was time to go back to school and move back to Sacto. so i did and I am. august I move and start school to go back for my GIS certificate. then in a year I should be able to get a job and in dreamland I would move to Austin with a job.
ps, I love when guys think you are going to break up with them how they step up their game. Hilarious.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
i have no idea how this happened. my money is draining away. as soon as i think i have a handle on life and that maybe things will start to look up it all goes to shit again I feel like running away, that I cant handle this life.
ugh im sick of myself.
The ARC is going back down to 29 palms one last time; when I had first heard about it I knew I wanted to talk to Johni. I miss her, that horrible cunt.
Then i thought about it during my drive to Sacramento on Wednesday and I started crying. I still have so many mixed up and unresolved emotions about the whole thing I dont know what to do with myself. Part of me doesnt want to go down there, I want to forget all about that place and those people and the events. and how fucking great my life was for three days.
That most amazing of a man, finally I felt comfortable in my own skin, i didnt hold back in what I wanted to say, i wanted him to know everything about me, who i am and what I was and what I want to be. And I didnt hold back, and he shat all over it. he and I both lost something great. i wonder if he is as sorry as i am, if he thinks about me on occasion like i do to him.
Jump a month a head and I am surrounded by amazing people, so positive that I didnt know I could be so happy. but i cant open up, I cant relax because i am terrified that I will lose it all like i did before.
I have no place to call my own except my car, which is slowly dying. I have 3 outfits, i feel like I have no style, i dont feel comfortable in my won skin. maybe i'll run away and start new. But of course i cant do that, that never works.
You always keep your baggage.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
these vile sticks that I smoke, fill my lungs and exhale what I do not consume. they take my energy, they enduse short comas in the sun.
yet, i feel incomplete without their taste between my tonge and cheek. their imposed need to breathe, to inhale life, and exhale death and impurities. my chest tightens and I am covered in a cloud of thin fog to no longer see the world; mask what I choose to not see.
awwwww time for another
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
and a date friday or saturday? yes.
Yoga tomorrow maybe before tires. =) eee and sd next week!
awww things are on the up and up I think... or like i told katey yesterday... ive only made it to the eye of the storm.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
so, basically i am way sad. i have moments where im not thinking about how sad I am and what happened and what happened to me and how the one person who was there didnt give a shit and the one who should have cared didnt.
but it takes great change to grow sometimes and maybe thats what i need right now.
as hard as that is to deal with. as sad as i am about it right now, it may all be worth it in the long run.
i wasnt looking for love, or the perfect person. and I thought i had found that, but all signs point to im better off without all of these people.
still sucks right now tho.
but if nothing else im really not looking for that now.....so bring on the possibilities.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
not a reference to the movie, but when im all sad ill just listen to the same song, or songs inn this case, over and over again.
with Chad it was often something corporate's constantain, or movie life's hey.
with Paul it's goyte's someone i used to know and sister crayon's cover futile devices.
this hurts so much. my life is a wreck. i don't know what to do anymore.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
you know when everything's going great and you start to let your guard down....
well i let my guard down and literally got fucked for it. yet again someone takes advantage of drunk shawna, only this time it hurt me and Paul.
our fantastic 3 days of being in a relationship are already over because he didnt believe me when I said that I didnt want it.
for the best really, plus trust being lost this early on sucks and its pointless to carry on.
oh and johni and Adam got married... so that's not going to be awkward. i think I may move out. but we'll see. i won't be back down there again until March so that's good. lots of work. =| itll help keep my mind off of things.
im going to yoga twice today. i need to recenter on what's important. im also going to look into getting a ring for myself. as a reminder to stay myself for me... not anyone else.
maybe I jumped into the whole dating thing too soon. i wasn't ready so I fucked it up.
fuck. this sucks.
but on the plus,this place has amazing bagels =)
Monday, January 9, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
1. where you can take off your bra and put on your fat pants
2. life is like a stage where youre always wearing a mask, home is where you dont have to wear a mask and be what everyone else wants you to be.
3. where you dont have to worry about a sober driver.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
last night was crazy. kissed johni, Mike, and Russell. we all got super fucked up.
i ended up having sex with Russell. im still in pain and I have hickies on my neck.
ugh. not to mention how much I wish i had gone up with Paul. i really like this guy and okie I feel like I fucked it upstill