p.b.

he makes my heart race. the thought of him makes me smile. he makes me feel so good in my own skin.

im so scared. i want to run away, but i dont want to be without him.

he makes me stoked. ;)

11.20

this is what happens when people talk about things without taking all perspectives into consideration.

:|

i often wonder

if my neighbors think I'm a whore....

i found patrick bateman

so last night, met up with this guy online. have a good time. I get us kicked out of the bar. go back to his place. I try to leave. but he is so sexy. he knows what he's doing. oh god. I came twice. I'm still aching for it.

but I'm still totally smitten for the tattoo artist. I really wanted to not fuck around, be his girl. but his life is totally not ready for it.

ugh. why am I such a slut.

PS. new guys name is Patrick B. just who I was looking for?

pat

sometimes I worry, no hope, hope that Patrick Bateman will meet me and put me out of my misery.

i think ill just go ahead and be sad for awhile

friday

Truth of the matter is im sad, im unhappy. i go thru the motions to pretend like.i.am ok, so that people dont take notice.

im still ok with the idea of dying. must live better with no fear

work in progress

hey,  I know I am not supposed to contact you. it was part of our agreement that I would stop and even if I tried to contact you, you wouldnt respond. Supposedly it was the only way I would get over you.

Turns out im still not over you. Its silly really, I cant stop thinking about you. You set the bar to high; you were my balance. Having knowledge and passion in all the areas I wanted it but was lacking. You were such a great person. I have not found anyone who even starts to compare to you.

I hate you sometimes, thinking about you hurts. I dont want to know how your doing, i dont want to chat over coffee. I want to look at you and see what I do; see what you do. I have contemplated going to one of your shows just for that reason. Obviously I havent.

Anyways, this is just another attempt to get you to speak to me again....

sweating

i like sweating so much in bikram

no one can see my tears

relationships

whenever i put in time and effort i
get burned.

i have stopped trying

pain

sometimes i feel like i need to rip my heart out... wrench it around a few times... and see if it will start working again.

I need to realize that:
I will never understand people. Most often it is the 'why' that cannot be solved for.

im sad. im scared. i just want to run away and be alone.

start: pushing every one far far away.

STanD

i am healthy

i am smart

i work out

i eat well, well most of the time

and

i dont practice safe sex

maybe its because enough people have called me a slut that i decided to see what it was like.

overall
   - unfulfilling
   - depressing
   - lonely

but i know what good sex is now; i know what it should feel like; and I know how to do it well

but now i have an std; luckily it should be a mild one, easily fixed. thank goodness

but kind of a wake up call

like hey sexy, healthy girl, maybe get some fucking standards? maybe actually date someone before taking your clothes off.

fuck. you are an idiot.


and you know what sounds so much better than sex?
  - someone to call/txt when i need to
  - someone that wants to hear about my day
  - having a 'someone' there to help me through.

well. heres hopging that on monday ill learn that its just a scare and i havent infected a number of people.

=\ ::fingers crossed::

goals for match

1. bikram again
2. self
3.  ______

im a nympho maniac

what?

i have no idea

pathetic

people want to fuck me to say that they have. no one wants to stay around and to say loved me.

i use those dudes who have sex on the first night. and i dont call them in the morning.

they aren't worth a second thought

how i know that im still not ok.

i still see no point in living

i dont want to be here any more

11 months

its been 11 months since its all happened. since my happiest moments to my saddest.

im still not ok, i still want paul back, I still think he is the sexiest person I have ever known. my heart races when i think about him, my eyes fill with tears when I remember that I will never see him again. I will never see him because someone else did something to me.

how the fuck am I supposed to move on when my heart still isnt mine, paul still has it, or he was the last person I gave it to. He threw it in the trash probably. forgot about me. left it out in the cold to get stomped on, shat on, pissed on, and dissolved away until there was nothing left.

its unfair of me to try to move on right? when I feel like this. when these smiles and happy emotions I feel are all fake, tried to exude through my body so maybe, maybe they wont notice that sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that im not where I am. That im somewhere else with the person I gave my heart.

i wish i knew how to stalk him, how to follow him, feel his breath as he passes by. i wonder if he'd say anything to me if we saw each other. i wonder what i would do; stand there petrified, start crying like i feel like i might do now thinking about it? or run, or confront him, or try to give him a hug, or i dont know. its awful.

i hate this.