Sunday, September 23, 2012

I remember

I remember those times when i felt whole, when i felt pretty and loved and like I could take on the world.

I remember when i made good decisions and when I had money to spend and i had friends to call on.

I remember when I had friends I could lean on, i could cry on

I remember feeling happy, feeling excited about what the future had in store for me and for you.

Then i stopped remembering, i stopped caring, the friends vanished, money was spent, and my future was torn appart.

I now I am alone, crying, sad...

then I remember... that the sun will rise, I will stand up, dust myself off and continue on.

Friday, September 21, 2012


i really just want to be held right now. feel warmth and a heart beat other than my own. feel connected to a world outside of nine.

i lost my person.

who's supposed to help you through it, to help you back up when you crumble.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

have I mentioned...

...that I have trust issues?

that opening up to people is incredably hard,

that i dont want to, but I cant be this strong and independent person that I thought i could always be

i fee so much better being close to someone; feeling their warmth, their breath, their heart;
that makes me feel alive... feeling that someone else is.

I have so much homework to get done today and I cant stop thinking about this place, how I am STILL (yeah still) so fucked up. I just want to feel better, I'm over thinking about it, but its so easy to pine after those things that i had and wanted. ugh.

I want to go hide under a rock until its all over, until ive cried my last tear, until i am ready to open up and have someone to open up to and have them still love me and find me sexy and think im a catch and never want to leave me.

the hard part is i feel like someone is going to have to work so hard to get me to open up, make me feel comfortable; ive gotten pretty freaking good at deflecting, or spilling it all out there and going "yeah, im fucked up, im broken, here are all my pieces, help me fit back together or leave me alone"

I feel like more often than not they would run away screaming.

I would.