Saturday, April 28, 2012

fuck this shit.

I have somehow managed to get health insurance that is costing me 300$ a month.

i have no idea how this happened. my money is draining away. as soon as i think i have a handle on life and that maybe things will start to look up it all goes to shit again I feel like running away, that I cant handle this life.

ugh im sick of myself.

The ARC is going back down to 29 palms one last time; when I had first heard about it I knew I wanted to talk to Johni. I miss her, that horrible cunt.

 Then i thought about it during my drive to Sacramento on Wednesday and I started crying. I still have so many mixed up and unresolved emotions about the whole thing I dont know what to do with myself. Part of me doesnt want to go down there, I want to forget all about that place and those people and the events. and how fucking great my life was for three days.

That most amazing of a man, finally I felt comfortable in my own skin, i didnt hold back in what I wanted to say, i wanted him to know everything about me, who i am and what I was and what I want to be. And I didnt hold back, and he shat all over it. he and I both lost something great. i wonder if he is as sorry as i am, if he thinks about me on occasion like i do to him.


Jump a month a head and I am surrounded by amazing people, so positive that I didnt know I could be so happy. but i cant open up, I cant relax because i am terrified that I will lose it all like i did before.

I have no place to call my own except my car, which is slowly dying. I have 3 outfits, i feel like I have no style, i dont feel comfortable in my won skin. maybe i'll run away and start new. But of course i cant do that, that never works.

 You always keep your baggage.