I started running again, as soon as I had a place to live.
I ran in march/april when i was at my moms.
I ran to try and do that whole being normal thing... this is what I was doing.. I should do it again.
I ran again in August because I was starting to feel again, because I left the person I was hiding behind, the person I gave a fake smile to and told I was ok.
recently I said I ran for the endorphins, because of the way they make me feel, because the exhaustion was so nice, I was too tired to think about anything.
Now? now there is no amount of running, no amount of endorphins that can make me forget that I was raped earlier this year.
one year ago yesterday was the day that I met him. He was friends with her friend and seemed like a nice enough guy. I had my eyes on someone else that night, he and I totally made out. =P kinda funny looking back on it.
who would have thought. 3 months later my life would be in shambles and i would be in Eureka, NV working. praying for snow.
the endorphins make it harder to cry. like right now, I want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry my eyes out until in dehydrated and maybe I pass out and maybe i dont wake up again because I dont want to feel any more.
because every time i open up to someone they shut me out, because all the people im "dating" have no idea that I am a shell of a person, that the smiling face is just a facade, just a way of pretending that everything is fine and pretending that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.
right now, I feel like i could die and i would be ok with it.