Friday, January 11, 2013

Saturday, January 5, 2013

11 months

its been 11 months since its all happened. since my happiest moments to my saddest.

im still not ok, i still want paul back, I still think he is the sexiest person I have ever known. my heart races when i think about him, my eyes fill with tears when I remember that I will never see him again. I will never see him because someone else did something to me.

how the fuck am I supposed to move on when my heart still isnt mine, paul still has it, or he was the last person I gave it to. He threw it in the trash probably. forgot about me. left it out in the cold to get stomped on, shat on, pissed on, and dissolved away until there was nothing left.

its unfair of me to try to move on right? when I feel like this. when these smiles and happy emotions I feel are all fake, tried to exude through my body so maybe, maybe they wont notice that sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that im not where I am. That im somewhere else with the person I gave my heart.

i wish i knew how to stalk him, how to follow him, feel his breath as he passes by. i wonder if he'd say anything to me if we saw each other. i wonder what i would do; stand there petrified, start crying like i feel like i might do now thinking about it? or run, or confront him, or try to give him a hug, or i dont know. its awful.

i hate this.