Monday, October 10, 2011


How does one get more motivation?

I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day,

i'm fucking up

because im overwhelmed, because I already have my degree, because these classes don't effing matter, but they matter because they are effing with my gpa.

ugh. I need to focus, I need to do this. sit down and do it. and I get distracted, I just want to sleep. bleh!

wish me luck. im going to peets to get the rest of this history assignment done then going to smrc. ::fingers crossed:: that this will work

Sunday, October 9, 2011

the lust for love

I have realized recently, with my roomie out of the apt, that being alone is a sad state to be in. I keep thinking that I want sex, but in reality that is the last thing I want if im not in a relationship with someone.

The people who have an interest in me, or so I think they do, I dont have an interest in them. I cant deal with the pointless flirting, I want someone to love, and to love me, and to hold at night and to wake up and have sex with. gah!

I know if chad read this it would upset him. He wants so bad to be that person for me, at least i get the feeling he did =\ but I know that he is not that person for me, he is so much to me and for me, but not that. wouldnt it be so much easier if he was tho?

Ive decided to give a better outward appearance to draw in the people I want to talk to. =\ so.... im showering and doing my hair and make up. im trying to run and do yoga, and Ive quit smoking <----the biggest feat. and im trying to slow down the drinking bit, to almost not at all (well have to see about that)

but in reality the only person I want to attract is the canadian, the canadian I met in vegas, and met up with in oregon, and want to see again so badly it hurts and want to talk to all the time, but never know what to say because i get so nervous. OR... maybe im fixated on this guy because hes the first one after chad to respond well to my interest. =\

I want to be happy, I want to not have a creeper, I want someone that I dont have to be drunk around to have a good time with.