can't sleep

my whole self hurts

.....

everyday i feel more ugly, useless, disgusting, worthless than the day before.
e.
v.
e.
r.
y.
d.
a.
y.

i hate myself a little bit more for how much i allow other people to influence how i feel.

i hate.

sex

i have too many friends that i have sex with. i have sex with all of them. boys, girls, whoever. its casual, its fun. but now its not.

i have herpes. or i might have herpes or whatever.

now i have to tell all of these people that want to continue to have sex with me (1) to get tested and (2) if they are neg they probably don't want to have sex with me.

and i thought i didn't have friends before.

decisions

i feel like i keep making bad decisions.

8/2

i  just want to sit and cry

forget

sometimes i forget. i forget that any of it ever happened. i forget i was ever that close with another person. i forget living there. i forget being on my own. i forget how in love i was. how happy i was. i forget how excited i was for the future. i forget crying so hard it hurt. that i couldnt breathe. i forget how quickly that can all change. i forget how it felt.

and then i remember and its like the years havent passed and i havent grown stronger and i havent survived

travis

remember that one time we were almost in love.

we held each others hands.

kissed like we didnt know when we would see each other again.

said so many sweet things and didn't care who knew.

yeah... what was i thinking... that wasnt the person you are. that was the person you wanted to be for second when you were with me; until you got scared and pulled away.

p.b.

he makes my heart race. the thought of him makes me smile. he makes me feel so good in my own skin.

im so scared. i want to run away, but i dont want to be without him.

he makes me stoked. ;)

11.20

this is what happens when people talk about things without taking all perspectives into consideration.

:|

i often wonder

if my neighbors think I'm a whore....

i found patrick bateman

so last night, met up with this guy online. have a good time. I get us kicked out of the bar. go back to his place. I try to leave. but he is so sexy. he knows what he's doing. oh god. I came twice. I'm still aching for it.

but I'm still totally smitten for the tattoo artist. I really wanted to not fuck around, be his girl. but his life is totally not ready for it.

ugh. why am I such a slut.

PS. new guys name is Patrick B. just who I was looking for?

pat

sometimes I worry, no hope, hope that Patrick Bateman will meet me and put me out of my misery.

i think ill just go ahead and be sad for awhile

friday

Truth of the matter is im sad, im unhappy. i go thru the motions to pretend like.i.am ok, so that people dont take notice.

im still ok with the idea of dying. must live better with no fear

work in progress

hey,  I know I am not supposed to contact you. it was part of our agreement that I would stop and even if I tried to contact you, you wouldnt respond. Supposedly it was the only way I would get over you.

Turns out im still not over you. Its silly really, I cant stop thinking about you. You set the bar to high; you were my balance. Having knowledge and passion in all the areas I wanted it but was lacking. You were such a great person. I have not found anyone who even starts to compare to you.

I hate you sometimes, thinking about you hurts. I dont want to know how your doing, i dont want to chat over coffee. I want to look at you and see what I do; see what you do. I have contemplated going to one of your shows just for that reason. Obviously I havent.

Anyways, this is just another attempt to get you to speak to me again....

sweating

i like sweating so much in bikram

no one can see my tears

relationships

whenever i put in time and effort i
get burned.

i have stopped trying

pain

sometimes i feel like i need to rip my heart out... wrench it around a few times... and see if it will start working again.

I need to realize that:
I will never understand people. Most often it is the 'why' that cannot be solved for.

im sad. im scared. i just want to run away and be alone.

start: pushing every one far far away.

STanD

i am healthy

i am smart

i work out

i eat well, well most of the time

and

i dont practice safe sex

maybe its because enough people have called me a slut that i decided to see what it was like.

overall
   - unfulfilling
   - depressing
   - lonely

but i know what good sex is now; i know what it should feel like; and I know how to do it well

but now i have an std; luckily it should be a mild one, easily fixed. thank goodness

but kind of a wake up call

like hey sexy, healthy girl, maybe get some fucking standards? maybe actually date someone before taking your clothes off.

fuck. you are an idiot.


and you know what sounds so much better than sex?
  - someone to call/txt when i need to
  - someone that wants to hear about my day
  - having a 'someone' there to help me through.

well. heres hopging that on monday ill learn that its just a scare and i havent infected a number of people.

=\ ::fingers crossed::

goals for match

1. bikram again
2. self
3.  ______