goals for match

1. bikram again
2. self
3.  ______

im a nympho maniac

what?

i have no idea

pathetic

people want to fuck me to say that they have. no one wants to stay around and to say loved me.

i use those dudes who have sex on the first night. and i dont call them in the morning.

they aren't worth a second thought

how i know that im still not ok.

i still see no point in living

i dont want to be here any more

11 months

its been 11 months since its all happened. since my happiest moments to my saddest.

im still not ok, i still want paul back, I still think he is the sexiest person I have ever known. my heart races when i think about him, my eyes fill with tears when I remember that I will never see him again. I will never see him because someone else did something to me.

how the fuck am I supposed to move on when my heart still isnt mine, paul still has it, or he was the last person I gave it to. He threw it in the trash probably. forgot about me. left it out in the cold to get stomped on, shat on, pissed on, and dissolved away until there was nothing left.

its unfair of me to try to move on right? when I feel like this. when these smiles and happy emotions I feel are all fake, tried to exude through my body so maybe, maybe they wont notice that sometimes I close my eyes and pretend that im not where I am. That im somewhere else with the person I gave my heart.

i wish i knew how to stalk him, how to follow him, feel his breath as he passes by. i wonder if he'd say anything to me if we saw each other. i wonder what i would do; stand there petrified, start crying like i feel like i might do now thinking about it? or run, or confront him, or try to give him a hug, or i dont know. its awful.

i hate this.

i started running

I started running again, as soon as I had a place to live.

I ran in march/april when i was at my moms.

I ran to try and do that whole being normal thing... this is what I was doing.. I should do it again.

I ran again in August because I was starting to feel again, because I left the person I was hiding behind, the person I gave a fake smile to and told I was ok.

recently I said I ran for the endorphins, because of the way they make me feel, because the exhaustion was so nice, I was too tired to think about anything.

Now? now there is no amount of running, no amount of endorphins that can make me forget that I was raped earlier this year.

one year ago yesterday was the day that I met him. He was friends with her friend and seemed like a nice enough guy. I had my eyes on someone else that night, he and I totally made out. =P kinda funny looking back on it.

who would have thought. 3 months later my life would be in shambles and i would be in Eureka, NV working. praying for snow.

the endorphins make it harder to cry. like right now, I want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry my eyes out until in dehydrated and maybe I pass out and maybe i dont wake up again because I dont want to feel any more.

because every time i open up to someone they shut me out, because all the people im "dating" have no idea that I am a shell of a person, that the smiling face is just a facade, just a way of pretending that everything is fine and pretending that this is what a relationship is supposed to be like.

right now, I feel like i could die and i would be ok with it.

fun

im pretty sure fun could slap me in the face and I still wouldn't have a good time.

austin

leaving today, back to reality.

but I think I've had enough over the past couple days then I'll need for a while.

im not sure if I really liked this guy, or if I was just that comfortable around him that it made me think there was something there.

im almost positive that I won't be coming back to austin with that version of reality clouding my vision.

either way, im feeling pretty heart broken right now.

think

i cant think straight, this is the longest ive gone without sex

i need it, im getting self conscience, am I still sexy? am I still good in bed? will it hurt like it did before? will I make too much noise? will i say the wrong name? is he going to think that im a dead fish in bed? do I smell/taste ok? am i doing this right?

and in three minutes it'll be over... was it worth the wait?

hopefully round 2 wont be too far away.

I remember

I remember those times when i felt whole, when i felt pretty and loved and like I could take on the world.

I remember when i made good decisions and when I had money to spend and i had friends to call on.

I remember when I had friends I could lean on, i could cry on

I remember feeling happy, feeling excited about what the future had in store for me and for you.

Then i stopped remembering, i stopped caring, the friends vanished, money was spent, and my future was torn appart.

I now I am alone, crying, sad...



then I remember... that the sun will rise, I will stand up, dust myself off and continue on.

alone

i really just want to be held right now. feel warmth and a heart beat other than my own. feel connected to a world outside of nine.

i lost my person.

who's supposed to help you through it, to help you back up when you crumble.

have I mentioned...

...that I have trust issues?

that opening up to people is incredably hard,

that i dont want to, but I cant be this strong and independent person that I thought i could always be

i fee so much better being close to someone; feeling their warmth, their breath, their heart;
that makes me feel alive... feeling that someone else is.

I have so much homework to get done today and I cant stop thinking about this place, how I am STILL (yeah still) so fucked up. I just want to feel better, I'm over thinking about it, but its so easy to pine after those things that i had and wanted. ugh.

I want to go hide under a rock until its all over, until ive cried my last tear, until i am ready to open up and have someone to open up to and have them still love me and find me sexy and think im a catch and never want to leave me.

the hard part is i feel like someone is going to have to work so hard to get me to open up, make me feel comfortable; ive gotten pretty freaking good at deflecting, or spilling it all out there and going "yeah, im fucked up, im broken, here are all my pieces, help me fit back together or leave me alone"

I feel like more often than not they would run away screaming.

I would.

baseball games

only go with people who can split the costs

eye....

.... thoroughly enjoy running away from my problems rather than dealing with them.

turning seas

rough times still lay ahead for me.

i really just want to find that person that's makes me want to stop looking again.

I'm not over the feelings that I had for Paul. i hadn't felt that way in so long; who knows if that relationship would have lasted.... but it would have been nice to find out.

Shaun seems to think that I don't know who I am, and while I almost agree, it's more that I don't want to open myself up again, let my guard down, so i have these relationships that last for a couple months and they are fun but the second work needs to be put in I bounce.

i can't be close to someone yet.

Making decisions again

so its about fucking time that I take control of my life again. its been 5 months, long enough eh?

I went to belize and re-evaluated... aka... drank and smoked a bunch

I came back and decided it was time to go back to school and move back to Sacto. so i did and I am. august I move and start school to go back for my GIS certificate. then in a year I should be able to get a job and in dreamland I would move to Austin with a job.

=\

heres hoping.

ps, I love when guys think you are going to break up with them how they step up their game. Hilarious.

transecting

.... it fucks with my head.

over thought the time I spent in j tree too much today. this sucks.

fuck this shit.

I have somehow managed to get health insurance that is costing me 300$ a month.

i have no idea how this happened. my money is draining away. as soon as i think i have a handle on life and that maybe things will start to look up it all goes to shit again I feel like running away, that I cant handle this life.

ugh im sick of myself.
__________________________________________________

The ARC is going back down to 29 palms one last time; when I had first heard about it I knew I wanted to talk to Johni. I miss her, that horrible cunt.

 Then i thought about it during my drive to Sacramento on Wednesday and I started crying. I still have so many mixed up and unresolved emotions about the whole thing I dont know what to do with myself. Part of me doesnt want to go down there, I want to forget all about that place and those people and the events. and how fucking great my life was for three days.

That most amazing of a man, finally I felt comfortable in my own skin, i didnt hold back in what I wanted to say, i wanted him to know everything about me, who i am and what I was and what I want to be. And I didnt hold back, and he shat all over it. he and I both lost something great. i wonder if he is as sorry as i am, if he thinks about me on occasion like i do to him.

_____________________________________________________

Jump a month a head and I am surrounded by amazing people, so positive that I didnt know I could be so happy. but i cant open up, I cant relax because i am terrified that I will lose it all like i did before.

I have no place to call my own except my car, which is slowly dying. I have 3 outfits, i feel like I have no style, i dont feel comfortable in my won skin. maybe i'll run away and start new. But of course i cant do that, that never works.

 You always keep your baggage.