fuck this shit.

I have somehow managed to get health insurance that is costing me 300$ a month.

i have no idea how this happened. my money is draining away. as soon as i think i have a handle on life and that maybe things will start to look up it all goes to shit again I feel like running away, that I cant handle this life.

ugh im sick of myself.
__________________________________________________

The ARC is going back down to 29 palms one last time; when I had first heard about it I knew I wanted to talk to Johni. I miss her, that horrible cunt.

 Then i thought about it during my drive to Sacramento on Wednesday and I started crying. I still have so many mixed up and unresolved emotions about the whole thing I dont know what to do with myself. Part of me doesnt want to go down there, I want to forget all about that place and those people and the events. and how fucking great my life was for three days.

That most amazing of a man, finally I felt comfortable in my own skin, i didnt hold back in what I wanted to say, i wanted him to know everything about me, who i am and what I was and what I want to be. And I didnt hold back, and he shat all over it. he and I both lost something great. i wonder if he is as sorry as i am, if he thinks about me on occasion like i do to him.

_____________________________________________________

Jump a month a head and I am surrounded by amazing people, so positive that I didnt know I could be so happy. but i cant open up, I cant relax because i am terrified that I will lose it all like i did before.

I have no place to call my own except my car, which is slowly dying. I have 3 outfits, i feel like I have no style, i dont feel comfortable in my won skin. maybe i'll run away and start new. But of course i cant do that, that never works.

 You always keep your baggage.

i think I may have a split personality

divorce

it really feels like going through another divorce... having the separate mine from hers, divvying up friends and movies, making sure the bills are paid evenly. fuck. this shit is all effed up. this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. i can easily pretend that something different has been going on, or that none of this ever happened, that the friendship never existed. that seems the be the easiest way of dealing, however hard it is. but seeing her post on our mutual friends' facebook kills me. she has no right. she left me and she left them. she made her choices, you cant go back. gah! she has every right whatever, but still sucks. on another note: i had a great saturday night/sunday =) yup <3

cigarretes

these vile sticks that I smoke, fill my lungs and exhale what I do not consume. they take my energy, they enduse short comas in the sun.

yet, i feel incomplete without their taste between my tonge and cheek. their imposed need to breathe, to inhale life, and exhale death and impurities. my chest tightens and I am covered in a cloud of thin fog to no longer see the world; mask what I choose to not see.

awwwww time for another

finally

I got a run in today, my tires should be fixed tomorrow...
and a date friday or saturday? yes.

Yoga tomorrow maybe before tires. =) eee and sd next week!

awww things are on the up and up I think... or like i told katey yesterday... ive only made it to the eye of the storm.

::fingers crossed::

as of today

i am done feeling sorry for myself

March 15

im self destructing

pi day

Paul contacted me, but then wouldn't respond to me.

what the fuck

joshua tree

j tree, fuck you, fuck you so hard

but it takes a lonely one to wish she'd never dreamt at all

so, basically i am way sad. i have moments where im not thinking about how sad I am and what happened and what happened to me and how the one person who was there didnt give a shit and the one who should have cared didnt.

fuck

but it takes great change to grow sometimes and maybe thats what i need right now.

as hard as that is to deal with. as sad as i am about it right now, it may all be worth it in the long run.

i wasnt looking for love, or the perfect person. and I thought i had found that, but all signs point to im better off without all of these people.

still sucks right now tho.

but if nothing else im really not looking for that now.....so bring on the possibilities.

doing that thing that I do

not a reference to the movie, but when im all sad ill just listen to the same song, or songs inn this case, over and over again.

with Chad it was often something corporate's constantain, or movie life's hey.

with Paul it's goyte's someone i used to know and sister crayon's cover futile devices.

this hurts so much. my life is a wreck. i don't know what to do anymore.

at this moment

feel like dying

tomorrow

tomorrow i am messaging Paul.

i have to. i miss him....

shits all fucked up

you know when everything's going great and you start to let your guard down....

well i let my guard down and literally got fucked for it. yet again someone takes advantage of drunk shawna, only this time it hurt me and Paul.

our fantastic 3 days of being in a relationship are already over because he didnt believe me when I said that I didnt want it.

for the best really, plus trust being lost this early on sucks and its pointless to carry on. 

oh and johni and Adam got married... so that's not going to be awkward. i think I may move out. but we'll see. i won't be back down there again until March so that's good. lots of work. =| itll help keep my mind off of things.

im going to yoga twice today. i need to recenter on what's important. im also going to look into getting a ring for myself. as a reminder to stay myself for me... not anyone else.

maybe I jumped into the whole dating thing too soon. i wasn't ready so I fucked it up.

fuck. this sucks.

but on the plus,this place has amazing bagels  =)

1:06

i need to start giving a shit.

plus

so good news: not pregnant
bad news: aunt flow is here

home is...

home is

1. where you can take off your bra and put on your fat pants

2. life is like a stage where youre always wearing a mask, home is where you dont have to wear a mask and be what everyone else wants you to be.

3. where you dont have to worry about a sober driver.

room 121 = sex room

drinking at the cactus bar

johni and I found a house today. it's happening.

this new year of 2011

last night was crazy. kissed johni, Mike, and Russell. we all got super fucked up.

i ended up having sex with Russell. im still in pain and I have hickies on my neck.

ugh. not to mention how much I wish i had gone up with Paul. i really like this guy and okie I feel like I fucked it upstill