plus

so good news: not pregnant
bad news: aunt flow is here

home is...

home is

1. where you can take off your bra and put on your fat pants

2. life is like a stage where youre always wearing a mask, home is where you dont have to wear a mask and be what everyone else wants you to be.

3. where you dont have to worry about a sober driver.

room 121 = sex room

drinking at the cactus bar

johni and I found a house today. it's happening.

this new year of 2011

last night was crazy. kissed johni, Mike, and Russell. we all got super fucked up.

i ended up having sex with Russell. im still in pain and I have hickies on my neck.

ugh. not to mention how much I wish i had gone up with Paul. i really like this guy and okie I feel like I fucked it upstill

so this is happening

i like Paul, paul screwed up.

im moving, probably have less than 15 days here in sac, and I'd like to spend time with him...

and Steven is no longer anyone im worried about.

and pete from smrc likes me.... weird.

but johni and I are leaving on the 2nd to find a place to live. then back to sac on the 5th. gone for Chambers on the 10 going with arc till the 24th. then moving out and south by the 31st.

this is going to be madness

and im so excited =D

thinking

as of this morning and yesterday, everytime i had a spare moment I've thought about paul.

just thinking about him makes me smile.

kinda sucks.

oohh yes

heartbreak

this whole move thing will probably break my heart. maybe Paul's too.

leaving me emotionally unavailable again

but hopefully I'll have a bunch of work when we move... if not... well it will be a sucky year.

=\ here goes nothing.

Sunday morning

its been decided, im moving with johni to j tree.

it's a good change. i should be getting on with chambers group, and hopefully with farwestern and asm.

i get to do archaeology. =) no more peets and no more state parks.

im super excited.... but im also a little sad about leaving sacto and Paul. but there are more fish in the sea and hopefully we can keep in touch. oh well, better  now than father down the line when we're both more invested.

this is good.... i just have to keep telling myself that.

yup

id like to have sex right now

Paul

he is this guy I met on pof...

totally random. i had a horrible profile, but I think I really like him. neither of us want to jump into a relationship and we are pretty much the same person. except he doesn't like the who. ha and he makes fun of my hipster tendencies.

we're also waiting to have sex cause both of us are over meaningless sex.

he has comitment issues and I have faithful issues..... so this did
should be good. ha

yesterday/thismorning

I realized that I either need a steady flow of sex in my life, or I will continue to smoke. its either nicotine or sex. thats it.

8 o clock

and im going to bed. oh  yes. =)

if only I wasn't going to bed alone

yup... thinking about Paul.
...

barely hanging on by a thread

remembering

i know why i have such feelings for brendan. he was the first person after Chad that I wanted to have sex with and could.

the mtv true life is bringing back all of the feelings that i had, how they are feeling. it's making me cry

opening up

so, i started using plenty of fish.

that was interesting. uhhh

but what I have realized is that I'm not ready to open up or be emotionally available for anyone.

so i am in the process of canceling that. uhhh

and I've started running more and am trying to work more yoga into my life.

so we'll see how this goes

motivation?

How does one get more motivation?

I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day,

i'm fucking up

because im overwhelmed, because I already have my degree, because these classes don't effing matter, but they matter because they are effing with my gpa.

ugh. I need to focus, I need to do this. sit down and do it. and I get distracted, I just want to sleep. bleh!

wish me luck. im going to peets to get the rest of this history assignment done then going to smrc. ::fingers crossed:: that this will work

the lust for love

I have realized recently, with my roomie out of the apt, that being alone is a sad state to be in. I keep thinking that I want sex, but in reality that is the last thing I want if im not in a relationship with someone.

The people who have an interest in me, or so I think they do, I dont have an interest in them. I cant deal with the pointless flirting, I want someone to love, and to love me, and to hold at night and to wake up and have sex with. gah!

I know if chad read this it would upset him. He wants so bad to be that person for me, at least i get the feeling he did =\ but I know that he is not that person for me, he is so much to me and for me, but not that. wouldnt it be so much easier if he was tho?

Ive decided to give a better outward appearance to draw in the people I want to talk to. =\ so.... im showering and doing my hair and make up. im trying to run and do yoga, and Ive quit smoking <----the biggest feat. and im trying to slow down the drinking bit, to almost not at all (well have to see about that)

but in reality the only person I want to attract is the canadian, the canadian I met in vegas, and met up with in oregon, and want to see again so badly it hurts and want to talk to all the time, but never know what to say because i get so nervous. OR... maybe im fixated on this guy because hes the first one after chad to respond well to my interest. =\

I want to be happy, I want to not have a creeper, I want someone that I dont have to be drunk around to have a good time with.

drinking water from a wine glass

its not that I cant sleep so much, its that i dont want to. I really like this apt, I like the memories and I like having my own space. =/ not like I wont have it there, I dunno

got my first period today, well first one using the pill! hurray for not being prego.

i feeel empty inside and sad, and like im drained a lot. i guess you could say today has ended on a bad note,

its like I had so much stuff to do and now I dont and now I dont know what to do with myself. like the people that i knew know me as this busy person, that never needed to be talked to or checked on. Like oh shawna shes totally fine, dont even worry about it.

but I dont think im ok.

also I got bangs cut into my hair yesterday, that was a bad idea. at least I feel like I look as ugly as I am on the inside =\

Gosh look at all that positive im giving myself. fuck shawna. really?

थे थिर्द मोर्निंग आफ्टर थिस वीक

I am unsure how long drinking in the evening can satiate my need for actual love in my life.

I know that I am having a good time, but there is always sexual tension. Which I don't get because either people need to be more open about having sex and there would be less, or they need to keep that shit in their pants for at least the first five seconds of meeting someone.

Its not like i'm doing anything, but it keeps confusing me in the mornings, when I think about the goings on of the previous night.

Why do conversations of adults always end up back a sex? Maybe that's why I feel that I am boring is because I know that there is more out there, but no one wants to talk about that. Or I dont know how to guide the conversation toward more meaningful outcomes?

But then at the same time, why worry about having a meaningful conversation when I am just worried about getting laid. haha Girls got needs! But isn't sex so much better when there is more than a fleeting physical desire?

well i'm glad I got that out of my head, now to get some coffee and a bagel.