motivation?

How does one get more motivation?

I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day,

i'm fucking up

because im overwhelmed, because I already have my degree, because these classes don't effing matter, but they matter because they are effing with my gpa.

ugh. I need to focus, I need to do this. sit down and do it. and I get distracted, I just want to sleep. bleh!

wish me luck. im going to peets to get the rest of this history assignment done then going to smrc. ::fingers crossed:: that this will work

the lust for love

I have realized recently, with my roomie out of the apt, that being alone is a sad state to be in. I keep thinking that I want sex, but in reality that is the last thing I want if im not in a relationship with someone.

The people who have an interest in me, or so I think they do, I dont have an interest in them. I cant deal with the pointless flirting, I want someone to love, and to love me, and to hold at night and to wake up and have sex with. gah!

I know if chad read this it would upset him. He wants so bad to be that person for me, at least i get the feeling he did =\ but I know that he is not that person for me, he is so much to me and for me, but not that. wouldnt it be so much easier if he was tho?

Ive decided to give a better outward appearance to draw in the people I want to talk to. =\ so.... im showering and doing my hair and make up. im trying to run and do yoga, and Ive quit smoking <----the biggest feat. and im trying to slow down the drinking bit, to almost not at all (well have to see about that)

but in reality the only person I want to attract is the canadian, the canadian I met in vegas, and met up with in oregon, and want to see again so badly it hurts and want to talk to all the time, but never know what to say because i get so nervous. OR... maybe im fixated on this guy because hes the first one after chad to respond well to my interest. =\

I want to be happy, I want to not have a creeper, I want someone that I dont have to be drunk around to have a good time with.

drinking water from a wine glass

its not that I cant sleep so much, its that i dont want to. I really like this apt, I like the memories and I like having my own space. =/ not like I wont have it there, I dunno

got my first period today, well first one using the pill! hurray for not being prego.

i feeel empty inside and sad, and like im drained a lot. i guess you could say today has ended on a bad note,

its like I had so much stuff to do and now I dont and now I dont know what to do with myself. like the people that i knew know me as this busy person, that never needed to be talked to or checked on. Like oh shawna shes totally fine, dont even worry about it.

but I dont think im ok.

also I got bangs cut into my hair yesterday, that was a bad idea. at least I feel like I look as ugly as I am on the inside =\

Gosh look at all that positive im giving myself. fuck shawna. really?

थे थिर्द मोर्निंग आफ्टर थिस वीक

I am unsure how long drinking in the evening can satiate my need for actual love in my life.

I know that I am having a good time, but there is always sexual tension. Which I don't get because either people need to be more open about having sex and there would be less, or they need to keep that shit in their pants for at least the first five seconds of meeting someone.

Its not like i'm doing anything, but it keeps confusing me in the mornings, when I think about the goings on of the previous night.

Why do conversations of adults always end up back a sex? Maybe that's why I feel that I am boring is because I know that there is more out there, but no one wants to talk about that. Or I dont know how to guide the conversation toward more meaningful outcomes?

But then at the same time, why worry about having a meaningful conversation when I am just worried about getting laid. haha Girls got needs! But isn't sex so much better when there is more than a fleeting physical desire?

well i'm glad I got that out of my head, now to get some coffee and a bagel.